The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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