i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
