Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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