theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
