Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
