life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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