i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
