Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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