I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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