I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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