i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
