Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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