I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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