Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
