Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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