yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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