Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
