ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
