my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
