I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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