Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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