Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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