i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
