Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
