Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
