My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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