Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
