my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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