I accidentally had phone sex last night
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
