Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
