The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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