She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
