you would pick up someone in the library
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
