Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
