I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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