oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
