wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
