So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
