If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
