this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We have started to decorate penises.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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