what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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