I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
