I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
