Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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