I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
