a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
