She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
