I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That accounts for only three of the penises
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
