dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
