I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
