So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The chlamydia really affected his face.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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